Black Nights
by aka Miss Ira
Summary: Syaoran finds Sakura surrounded by black birds on a rooftop in Infinity. She seems to be expecting him and begins to talk for the first time. None of it is what Syaoran wants to hear but sometimes the most painful things can make us the happiest.


The sight was appalling. A shadow of a memory tuned into a living nightmare. Instead of white birds flying above the peaceful blue skies of Clow Country, black birds hovered about Sakura in the foggy night of Infinity. And instead of holding onto the hand of his other self with a wide cheerful smile, Sakura was all alone in the middle of the darkest night.

It took all of his effort not to turn back but to walk forward instead. To protect this Sakura, just as he promised.

Syaoran swallowed back his anxiety and took a step forward but even before he could say her name Sakura turned to him. A few of the black birds landed on her outstretched arm as she did. She didn't look surprised at his appearance and was even smiling. Syaoran spotted empty liquor bottles scattered around the area and his heart beat increased. That would explain what would bring her up to the top of their building so late at night…why the straps of her nightgown were falling off her shoulders…and why she was at the edge of the building, as if ready to jump.

"I'll tell you something that you don't want to hear" she called to him with a strange smile "But most of the things you hear from me aren't what you want, are they?"

Syaoran didn't know how to respond and stood staring at the scantily dressed Sakura with apprehension. After watching one of the straps fall off her shoulder completely he decided on taking another step forward and reached for her arm, but Sakura took a step back, shaking her head with that wild smile. The wind was raging from such heights so Syaoran quickly took several steps back, hoping to get her away from the ledge. The worst part was that even in his fear there was still something sweet and enticing about Sakura, even in her madness, and Syaoran couldn't deny it. He lowered his eyes with a blush.

"The town I want to save shouldn't be saved" Sakura told him "Syaoran-kun was right to destroy it! It needed to be destroyed!" Syaoran was shocked and stood completely still with large eyes as she begin holding her hands out for the black crows to come to her again.

There should have been something perverse and disgusting about Sakura in this horrible way but Syaoran still couldn't despise her. Not even as she laughed in that fluttery way to her black birds before kissing their beaks and walking on the ledge of the building--like on the tightrope in Shara--with her black dress all but coming off her body from the wind.

"…why do I want to restore the world then?" she asked to the black bird more than she asked Syaoran.

The bird cawed and Sakura giggled. The alcohol was obviously still heavy in her and continued to make her smile in that stunning but twisted way.

"My feather gave them the power to control the neighboring country in the first place and they loved the power. They loved having slaves, they loved not doing anything except controlling others. They depended on my feather for power over the other country and now the children who are left are mad because Syaoran-kun took it…" Her and the bird shared some giggles "But what about the neighboring county who were being made into the slaves? They were happy, of course! They were happy they were finally free from the dictators who beat them into submission, bleed them body and soul, and starved them into painful deaths….they thought the people got what they deserved…and they loved Syaoran-kun for giving them this happiness"

More birds came on her shoulders and Sakura laughed and spun around before loosing her balence and falling to her knees. Black birds covered the polluted sky of Infinity above them and black feathers floated everywhere in a strange shower of malice. Syaoran remained still, allowing the darkness to consume him. His eyes were glued to Sakura as she kissed her little birds of death.

"The best thing to do would be to leave the country how it is" she said, suddenly serious as she petted her crow and walked towards him. Syaoran was eerily reminded of Yuuko from her tone of voice "To bring equality and to cut away the power of these malicious people….that's what Syaoran-kun did when he destroyed their country and took the feather…he didn't kill the children, though, so they have the chance to change themselves…if they want" she looked up to Syaoran with a heavy frown "But why do I want to restore the country then? Why do I want to bring something back to people who made other people suffer?"

Syaoran didn't know what she was saying. And her expressions were becoming more unnerving. To hear that his other self had actually helped someone by sending a part of a world to flames sounded impossible and yet because Sakura was saying this, Syaoran couldn't not believe It. It didn't make it any better though.

"Whether he saved a country or destroyed it, what he did was wrong" he said firmly before he could stop himself.

Sakura's face broke into a smile "I knew you would say that…you two are alike in some ways. But _you_ still have things to learn about right and wrong…" she smiled more before laughing and letting her bird soar into the sky of raging black "You think it's wrong because he interfered with the wishes of others, right?"

Syaoran flushed but said nothing.

"That's how it is with you" she said for him "And that's how it was for me too, so please don't make faces like it's a horrible thing to believe in. It's why I wanted Yuuko to restore that country, after all. Because Syaoran-kun shouldn't have interfered in the wishes of others--no matter how evil those wishes are" Sakura raised her hand for another bird to come to her and smiled softly "You're like my Syaoran-kun in that way though"

Syaoran's fist clenched, his eyes watered in frustration "….we're not the same"

"Then why are you standing here?"

He blanched.

"Why are you here?" she asked, in the sweetest voice "I don't want you here and so who are you to interfere with my wish?"

"Princess--"

Much to his surprise she came to his side and took his hand, pulling him forward until the very moment the tip of their toes touched the ledge of the crumbling building. Sakura swung their hands with that sickeningly beautiful smile and asked "So what are you doing here?"

"…i-it's something I want to do" he stuttered

She smiled "And what about what I want?"

He flushed but refused to answer. Sakura was drunk. She didn't know what she was saying…

"How hypocritical!" she dropped his hand and reached out for a bird "You didn't think it was right for Syaoran-kun to destroy that world because it interfered with the wishes of others and yet here you are interfering with my wishes!" Sakura put her nose to the birds beak with a playful giggle "How strange he is!"

"….what I'm doing and what he's doing is completely different" he whispered

"And he's cruel too!" Sakura told the bird before looking at him with dancing eyes "You think your wish is worth more"

"I don't put any worth to--"

"And yet you think Syaoran-kun's wish to get feathers is insignificant"

"I'm not killing anyone to fulfill my desire, Princess"

Sakura smiled sadly for the first time "….Kurogane-san protected Tomoyo Hime by killing everyone who came near the castle. His wish was wrong too….right?"

Syaoran dropped his anger for misery and stared at Sakura in wonder "That's not--"

"I don't think what Kurogane-san did was wrong…" she said softly "But the family of the men he killed will feel otherwise. In this same moment I stand here thinking about how much I care for Kurogane-san and how much he means to me there are people in his county standing the same way I am crying because he killed someone precious to them…and it was all because he wanted to protect something precious to him"

"He did that for her sake"

"If it wasn't for me there would be no feathers. Syaoran-kun kills for my sake too….in this way, me and Tomoyo Hime are the same" She smiled sadly again before letting the bird fly away.

Syaoran understood what she was saying about killing. And he knew that they were the same and yet he still hated his other self for everything he had done. It was low and horrible but Syaoran asked "So what right do you have to interfere in his wish of collecting feathers then by finding him?"

"What right do _you_ have to interfere with his wish of collecting feathers by killing him?" Sakura challenged before she laughed in the most heartbreaking way "There is no right. Or any right or wrong. You wanting to kill him was a horrible thing to me, but to you it was the 'right' thing or else you wouldn't have tried…so who was right and who was wrong?"

Syaoran's fists clenched.

"...I love Syaoran-kun" she told him firmly making Syaoran's face harden and his teeth clench in misery "and so to want to have that feeling for him doesn't need to be called good or bad, even if hurts people. Finding him is something I want to do…." Tears fell across her cheeks as she whispered "...you have to learn to be selfish or you'll never be happy, you know"

"You're not a selfish person" He moved to take her hand again, but dropped his fist with a frown

"Not to you. No. Never to you" Sakura wiped the tears away "Even if I hurt you to fulfill my wish you don't condemn me" Syaoran diverted his eyes "I wish I could tell you to condemn me because I already know what I'm doing is wrong to you so it feels like I'm forcing you to lie to yourself. And since you don't tell me what I'm doing is wrong it makes what I'm doing right and that's wrong"

"…you can't do wrong. You won't hurt people without reason"

"Does hurting someone for a reason make it okay to hurt them?"

"….of course not, but--"

"And does feeling bad for hurting someone make it alright to continue to hurt them?"

"N-no but--"

"You think I hurt you for a reason?" she asked softly

"I..." He swallowed hard when she leaned into him.

"You'll never be anyone if you keep talking like that" she said as her finger brushed his lips "If you keep worrying about others and making them happy then you'll never be happy yourself. If you think I'm doing right _just because_ it's something _**I'm**_ doing…then you're wrong. You're very, very _wrong_" she whispered pressing her forehead against his "Don't you understand? You'll never be free if you keep thinking like this…"

Sakura turned her back on him and went back to her black birds. Syaoran touched his lips for a moment but had nothing to say to her. He knew what Sakura was saying but he wasn't going to change because it was something she felt was wrong. The idea that him and his other self were alike in this statement--that his other self wasn't going to change because he didn't think collecting feathers was wrong--made Syaoran angry and he kicked an empty liquor bottle in his sudden frustration.

With nothing else to do he turned around and started heading back inside but immediately stopped when Sakura grabbed his wrist and tugged him in the opposite direction.

In a strange twist of events Sakura had his hand and begin pulling him around the top of the building. At first he stumbled and flushed, not sure what was happening or how to respond. She laughed and cheered as the birds flew off from the building and into the sky. Together their actions scared away all the black birds and though the situation hardly called for it, Syaoran found himself starting to smile and laugh too as they fought away the darkness together. He even started leading the insane run and when they had chased all the birds away Sakura raised their joined hands in the air and cheered loudly for all of Infinity to hear. Syaoran watched her with an affectionate smile but when she finally looked over to him Sakura seemed surprised that he was there. Syaoran took the moment to finally fix the straps on her nightdress and as he did Sakura pouted, letting their joined hands fall between them before holding them to her thigh.

"…you're not mine"

He smiled sadly but continued to adjust the dress.

"And I'm not yours…." she continued, leaning into his touch "me and you were never meant to meet and because we have all we can do is cause each other pain. But…this pain is what we want, right?"

"….if it's what we want, is it really pain?" he asked softly

"Yes because the most painful things are the things we want..." Sakura's smile softened as she looked out to the sun that was beginning to rise "Why is it that something so painful can make someone so happy...?" Sakura squeezed his hand and looked at him with a tiny blush. He blushed too and she giggled.

"--Let's continue to hurt each other together!" she announced cheerfully.

It was horribly twisted. The whole conversation was and yet when Sakura jumped up and hugged him, Syaoran couldn't help hugging her back fiercely and agreeing to her words with a painful smile.

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**A/N: **

R!Syaoran and Sakura...they are wonderfully angsty people who care for each other but it's like the only way they're able to show this is by continuously hurting each other. The idea of this story came from me thinking about the world C!Syaoran had destroyed...CLAMP likes to have their twisted stories where there really is no good or bad and so I thought what if Syaoran killing all those people was actually a good thing to someone? It was also strange that only children were left so I tied that in too.

Also, I was thinking about how Sakura knew what was going to happen to R!Syaoran in Infinity and yet because it was his wish to go with them she couldn't stop that wish--even if she told him he'd be stabbed he probably would have gone because it's what he wanted...just like Sakura continued going on the mission even if she knew it was part of Fei's plan. So was it right for R!Syaoran to go even if it meant Sakura had to change her desire and focus on protecting him from her vision? Is it wrong that Sakura was trying to restore C!Syaoran's lost heart when maybe he doesn't even want it? Maybe he doesn't want to feel pain _or_ happiness so what right does Sakura have to try to make him feel again anyways? But then again, is there anything right about _not_ doing what you want...

It's all so horribly CLAMP, isn't it.

But I hope I did a good job on this story. I'll always be a C!SyaoranxSakura fan but I love these two very much too so I wanted to write them. While writing this I was listening to "Wolf in Winter" from .hack/ROOTS OST 1. Even the name is fitting (if R!Syaoran really is a Syaoran anyways...).

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End file.
